I've been very depressed for the last 2/3 weeks... i have no job, no income source, nobody to tell my miseries so i can just vent out. i don't even know what to do anymore. nothing matters to me. i really want to be happy again...i really do.
As the protag develops his game, one of his characters become sentient. He starts to talk with her/him. Initially the protag thinks he's schizophrenic but it becomes reality when hes transported to his story...because he somehow has managed to connect his neurons to the codebase he made. ©Limedude 2024
Where to begin? Started my day with
GTA 6 trailer. Was going well until my ocd came back and in short i ruined my day. I am an adult whos constantly looking for jobs while dealing with procrastinations. To beat this curse of " i will do this later" i have made some plans. If I cant make this work out for me, I truly am a lost cause.
Brought a new phone. Loving it. Refurbished my laptop. Will update and work on this site 😃.
So it's been 2 months since I wrote anything here. I've procrastinating like a pro. A lot has happened. Good things for the most part. Still a long way to go.
Came across this photo, felt good, motivated, inspired,and every uplifiting adjectives.
I feel lonely all the time. I get depressed and destructive thoughts pop up when i am all by myself. I keep telling people but it is pointless. While I do enjoy solititude from time to time, I never asked for lonliness. Why was I born as a human when i am deprived of basic need of love and priority. I just want to be understood. I am sick of desperation for love. Sorry...hopefully one day I will cringe at this particular diary entry.
Not a bad day! I won something for the first time in my life. Feels good to have people cheering for yours truly. Eid vacation starts this weekend so I am leaving dorm this evening. Had pizza for iftar with my bois.
Just figured it out. All my life I have thought of loving someone but never reaching out to them. Or even try. Expecting everything to happen by itself. How stupid I have been all along!
Where do i begin hehehe... So i have been spending past few days crying. Because my whole until today i have focused on insignificant matters. Many times my friends told me to better myself. It is true that they will not understand everything. It's my life. People around me will only help me show the way, I gotta walk. My cure for depression is me.
Another lonely valentines day. I am not sad about it. I am instead focusing on improving myself physically and mentally. Stay strong everyone.
I upgraded my pc for the first time in 5 years. Was going for amd 5600 but got 5500…but hey its really good for the price from where I am. Didn't find asrock so msi got the job done, this is my first msi board since 2007…16 years later…. 😀
Skipped class for this week too. I don't like going there. I cant keep this cycle going on forever though. Glad I had a good vacation to fuel my mind with good vibes.
My career selection has been messy. But now I have one. I will be a game designer. Coincidentally this job also has my niches of art and writing. I am happy for myself. But as with everything this journey will have its share of obstacles that I must overcome.
I have now total control over my emotions. Never felt this good before. Not a bad start. But cant give up now.
I have finally started doing everything properly. Happy New Year...
I have to find work soon. My tutoring gig was good ngl. But i did not enjoy it.
I am crying as i type this journal. My final starts tomorrow. But that I can manage easily. I am not crying due to stress of exam. I am...crying because I'm 23 and lonely. I dont understand why this is happening. I realize everything I've done this year, all the trouble...just to find someone. And something i've understood and tell myself...just wait for the right person. But how long. I am overweight. In the past I thought losing weight would solve everything. That is true no doubt. Not necessarily will be useful for love. I read it is about finding strongest gene for reproduction....what? I understand the biological aspect. What does strong gene mean btw? I dont want to know at this point. I have seen everything on my campus. I will blame myself for expecting something decent out of here and I will quit whining. I have asked for every help imaginable. Never helped myself. That was my problem. I'm 23 and that depresses me most. I need to find someone and settle down. My parents are getting older...gotta take care of them, raise children....im sobbing. When?
December, 12, 2012 I was in seventh grade, taking science final. She was sitting in front of me. I helped her on test. We were smiling the whole time. Truly a magical moment.
Self advice 1: If i see or hear somthing happening that could be problematic/controversial, best and thing to do will be keeping it to myself.
Self advice 2: Fear is natural. It brings out our true potential for survival. I am honestly exaggerating. The truth is my mind can't handle something unexpected. I've been sheltered too much. If I want to live, I must overcome any type of fear. Remember self-advice "1" is a must and will be the key to overcome a fear of everything.
Self advice 3: Always keep my emotions in check. Everything bad has happened to be because of my mouth. I should have analyzed my surroundings and never let my emotions speak. But that is past. From now on I will never show my vulnerable side to people i dont trust or are not freinds. So, no more impulses.
Self advice 4: Easy...keep me busy. Idle brain is devil's workshop.
Well...I've done it. I'm now officially the most hated guy in class. Can't blame them tho. Now as usual, silver lining is that I can be free
Feeling down. It seems like we really do need someone in life. MY mistake was I got impulsive and rushed things. Damaging my self respect in the process. Anyway, everyday seems like a life tutorial level. I keep learning. All because I got no one. I gotta stop being unconfident. I inherited my mom's sensitive nature. I cant handle harsh words. I myself dont talk rudely but it is dumb of me to expect everyone to be nice all the time. This is hard. Specially for me, I am a guy.
Finally at peace. Writing this HTML diary. Unloading stress. Stopped procastinating and fixing my mess one by one. Binge watching JJBA. Back to my anime enthusiasm root.
Everything was going okay. Some of my friends were teasing me with cryptic sentences.... I was nervous ngl. Around 12 am, my roommate/best friend called me. An intervention was held for me. I went to the meeting. I sat on a chair. And then trouble comes. I was being questioned for my sins....and they were, 1. Why did I make a joke on the dude who I lent money to.... 2. Warning a classmate about the creepy perverted guy, So, to answer the first, I simply joked..."dude you owe me money, you can't roast me lol" and he wasnt even offended when I said that. And later the creepy guy (my antagonist) tricked him into believing that I was serious. And for the second answer, I got no regrets. The creepy asshole has been nothing but trouble for me since I got to dorm. He manipulated everyone against me. Framing me for leaking inside jokes and other sensitive informations. I did not do any of those. I could literally sue him for defamation. Anyway, I told a girl in my class not to get close to him. He talks behind others back. But "mysteriously" this got out and I was called for this. I showed no hesitation and called him everything I thought of him. After all these....I said I want peace. Go fuck yourself and stop trying to put everyone against me. I forgive you. In a strange way, writing this actually freed me from all the emotional traumas.
It is my birthday. I had no plans. Just another ordinary day. But I got surprised! My buddies wished me, baked cupcakes and...Ricardo Milos sickers lol. I had a good day. Best birthday since 2006.... :')
It seems like my creepy admirer is back... I just cant get these weirdos outta my life dude! She is bullying me at every chance she gets. If you were not so creepy I would've given you a chance.
Finally I have figured out my mistake. I am totally embarrased and I should be. My friends told me to keep my mouth shut around new people and I did the oposite. I dont know what to do. He is a foreign friend. Swiss dude. Real awkward but friendly. I dont think i will see him often but feel so embarassed to talk to him. What atrocities i caused you may wonder.... I told him every details about my past. And when you hear, "I dont wanna talk to him, he's so negative.".... :( Luckily I had my cousin explaining my social anxiety. Man, I finally got my shit together at the cost of "internationally embarrased"
Been a while since i wrote tbis diary. Been busy and lazy. Procrastinating professionally lmao. But had to retire. Joined gym. Looking after myself full time. I've understood I matter above all. That's how life is and I'm not gonna get influenced by anyone anymore. Whatever I'm doing, I'm doing all for myself. Still searching for someone. In class right now as i type this. Sitting in the back with my boys.
Had the worst low bp experience of my life. It's not like I'm not eating well. I've realized I'm having low bp for a while. Symptoms are there all along. I feel tired,stressed, uninterested. Being fatigue in general. Then my personal life having no effective change. Finally I've understood and came to conclusion that I was my worst enemy. I blamed others while I was the one enabling myslef to be stepped on and made fun of. And being lonely and single? What girl would wanna date a man with low self esteem? I mean I myslwf would avoid such individual. Anyway I've made a promise to myself and I'm keeping it at all costs. Right now I'm at this really corporate, soulless and whatever gloomy word i can think of event histed buy our uni. Well, it's my club to be precise. I'm kinda enjoying the vibe here. I got a position whereI'm comfortable.
Life's good. Seen a lot. Learning continues. Child inside me fading away for good. Getting a long awaited patch. Bugs fixed.
Hello World! Eid Mubarak! Hope everyone enjoy this blessed day with loved ones. For the first time since 2015, I'm actually enjoying life. Alhamdulillah. My boy
Rabit made this cool Eid artwork.
Everything is going good. I've lost weight, not much but have to start somewhere. In a class now. Mam just entered. Still feel lonely at campus. I guess I've to care for myself. All my life I've focused on others opinion. I need peace. And I'm not far from achieving. I do wish I had a friend who would stick to me 24/7. But hey, I can make use of such negative situation for my good. I miss you brother. Still waiting for that special someone. She's out there.
Miision Passed!
RESPECT+
Everything has been going good for me. Hopefull.
Have to say 2021 was not a bad year. Honestly, it felt like a long tutorial level. Everyday I learned something new. Happy 2022!
Had this strange encounter with this dude last night, he appears to be my department senior. I did notice him staring at me for a while and then while I was walking up the stairs, he stopped me and asked me what semester I was in. I was scared ngl. So, I answered his question...nervously, he then walked away saying "Why haven't I seen you around before?" And then comes my overthinking. Like I was asking my bros on who he was and whatnot. Though I've understood something, I think way too much. I am like this magnet that attracts stress and anxiety. I've been my own antagonist all along...
Hvaen't written anything for a while. Things have been going very fast. Finally moved to dorm in October 13, Wednesday. We don't have many students from our department. First few days were really good ngl. But as time went on, I was introduced to this BS dorm politics and depression kicked back. Luckily I got my boys here. Comforting, advising me whenever I need. Met some talented and good people here. People like them gives me hope. Also, I have embraced my akwardness, just dont wanna be cringy. About my love life...if anyone can even call that, I've finally proposed her. Knowing very well it won't work out. But at least it's out of my chest now. I am free. She is so sweet though. She is gonna be a good wife and a mother. Tomorrow's my semester final and my preparation is...mediocre. Not satisfied. Just hoping to get decent score and I'm finally done with procastination for good. It'll be "Now or never" . I'm gonna start hosting shows and stand up comedy. Gotta use my skill somehow ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). That's it for now.
I am finally learning to move on. All my life I wanted this person I could spend my rest of my life with. You know, marry, have kids, start a family etc. For some this is easy. For me? nah. I from now on will never look for women. Every girl I like ends up with someone else. I quit. I still love her though. But I have done my part. She gave the best advice in my life. Do not be influenced by others. I am gonna follow that. Kinda ironic that now her recent decesion made her influence my mental health. Now I am moving on and hopefully one day she will understand who I really am and my I mean our destiny will be together.
I am tired of being this failure or dissapointment circle. It's like every BS that ever happend to me repeats itself. I am fucking sick of this. I love you. I never knew I was capable of quittinig a vulgar addiction before I saw you. You made me grow up. I am not giving you up. I never simped for you. Never will. But I love you. Always will. I don't mind you not having same feelings for me. But again I love you.
So, yesterday evening I got roasted or kinda caled out by my friends. I guess I needed to hear those words. In a nutshell what happend was, they told me socialize more and move on from all the bad stuffs from past. Funny thing is, I've already moved on. But I just stood there and listened to them. End of the day, I beleive they're my friends and they want the best for me. I also reconnected with Shahariar. Dude needs serious help. Honestly I have grown up a lot during this lockdown. It was a blessing in disguise for me I guess. Stay safe everyone. August has been a shitty month for me so far. Also I need to take a vacation.
I'm finally at peace. I've cut ties with every toxic people in my life. You know you've failed as a human being when you're the reason behind someone's depression.
I'm a sheep in this place. I'm done. I feel like, except Durlov (M TO F, Now known as Millie) and Leon, everyone took advantage of me. I will cut contact with Shahariar and other "friends" once I leave Ghatail. Met an old friend today. He talked me about our time in 8th grade, 2013. Back then, I was a fat, dumb and insecure little man. I did not score well in maths. I loved playing video games. But people did not seem to care about this back then for some reason. Our math teacher always made fun of my weight, math skills, and everything. Naturally my classmates joined him. No girls would talk to me. They always thought I was too dumb to even exist. I only had 2 friends. Millie and Leon. Leon left for USA in 2015. Millie left for Canada in December 2018. I'm alone. My other friend Shahariar is a selfish person. He doesn't care about anyone. My Eid was going well until he took full advantage of me. He skipped our eid tour so he can search for his ex. Yesterday he went to another tour with my classmates and he didn't even call me. I mean how can people be this self centered? Also, then my old friend told me how I should change. Brother, if my actions didn't harm anyone mentally or physically, I really I don't have anything to change. Fortunately, I met some of the best people living on earth. My university friends! My buddies Alif and Oishee. Some really talented individuals. Oishee is a talented artist and singer. Alif does sketch. Really, these two kept me going through 2020. Love you guys!. Then I've fallen in love with this girl....I really love her. I always think of her.
Eid Mubarak!Ramadan is over, I'm gonna start learning CSS soon. I'm too lazy btw but this website needs to be more... i don't know... 90s I guess. :p
Had the best day in 2021!
Gonna see my university Buddies for the first time in real life. I've only met them online. Kinda nervous and excited at the same time
Went to the zoo after 9 years. Last time I visited there was in December 2012. That was pleasant visit but this one...candan't say the same. Extremely hot weather and there were so many people that it didn't seem like corona is a thing.
I need help. Everyone around me is so weird....
What a year....hope 2021 will end my sufferings. Happy New Year!
Started playing guitar.
Joined gym.
Semester final is over, last exam was really hard. Just want to pass this one.
Took a break. Semester final is only 9 days away. Have to study. Then I'll work on my site :)
A good friend of mine suggested me to post my stories on this site. Good idea!!
My phone's touch isn't working and it's charging port either.No fixing shops are available right now. Hopeless.
Was having a dull day. Then I got a call from my friend. He's gonna fly kite! I haven't flown one since April 2012. 8 years!. I called another buddy and he was excited to go with me. We went to the place at 4:30 and it was really crowded ... like pre 2020. Everyone was flying kites and playing. It was in the airfield of our local army base. I was really excited until the sky became full of black clouds. Yup, we didn't get the chance to fly the kite. I don't like rain.
Had first official online class today. Honestly I enjoyed it. Maybe because I'm an introvert? I miss my friends from university.
Shaved my head for the first time in 17 years! I remember the last time I shaved was back in december 2003...time flies. Anyone who was born back then is now a high schooler! I'm old!
I love this concept, an online diary written in HTML... :p.
Anyway, my paranoia is back... I tried my best to blend in with these crowd. I can't explain how much I want to get out of this town...people here is making my life a living hell. FUCK YOU ALL. YOU GUYS ARE THE REASON WHY BENGALIS ARE LOOKED DOWN BY EVERYONE. My Eid was great though, started the day with my parents quarrelling. Went to masjid this year due the covid apocalypse. It seemed like everyone there was trying to prove how badass they were. No masks, no care and simply they have superior gene. This virus can't infect them. Anyway, finished my prayer, bought some soda, came back home, watched the office, fell asleep. Then got a call from my boy wanting to go on a bike trip. I was nervous at first...but then I thought...why not? Let's go!. Me and the boys then went on a long bike trip. Went to the Zamuna river, hired a boat and went on a boat trip. This was my first boat journey.I enjoyed it a lot. Hated the weather though. I hate clouds.